You never forget the way people make you feel
Hands up if you thought that lockdown would be your chance to spend more time taking care of yourself.
Me too! With each lockdown, I thought “Well Sally, there’s no excuse now. You’re not travelling, clients are at a minimum, now is the time for self care!”
My self care plan included:
Walking
Running
Learning new things
Reading
Meditation
Yoga
Massage (I wish!)
Stretching
Pilates
Preparing and eating fresh food and drinks
Buying organic
Drinking more water
Quality time with family and friends (on Zoom!)
Getting more sleep
Allowing time for planning to ensure work remains on track and is never stressful.
Phew! In reality, looking after yourself takes a lot of time. Just thinking about how to cram it all in is stressful in itself. How on earth do you find time for self care and still maintain a well-balanced life? If you have any tips, let’s get sharing!
What is stress?
A holistic therapist once told me we experience stress ‘when we believe we do not have sufficient resources to fulfil a need’. A good example is when you’re running late for an appointment. You feel out of control and stressed because you know you don’t have enough time to get there.
Colleagues can also make you feel stressed. When someone demands things are done by a certain time but you know you don’t have the required resources to fulfil their need, such as time, knowledge, information, equipment, skills or connections.
A stressful story
A few years ago, I’d worked for seven days straight without a break (clearly not the best example of self care). It was 8am, I was super tired, but focused on preparing the training room to deliver a development session to 50+ delegates, due to start in 30 minutes.
Colleagues were in the room doing their own preparation. Then entered the senior leader (also exhausted) who began firing questions at me in an abrupt manner. He left me feeling shocked and wondering where it had all come from. I was doing exactly what we planned and agreed but it felt like he was trying to catch me out. Due to my tiredness and the pressure I was under, I wasn’t clear when answering him. I felt angry and humiliated that he had attacked me in front of other people.
When he’d finished, I left the room to calm down and prepare to facilitate the session in my usual upbeat manner. I went for a long walk in the car park and gave myself a good talking to. I returned feeling refreshed and looking forward to making the day the best it could be for all the participants.
As I returned to the room, the senior manager came over to apologise. I explained that I’d rather talk in private after the session. He knew I wasn’t happy and tried to apologise again during a coffee break.
The training was a huge success despite it being one of the most difficult I’ve ever delivered due to the events that went before.
We arranged to meet up to talk through the situation. I explained his behaviour was unacceptable. He apologised (ish) and said he’d been working with a client with bullying behaviours and that he may have picked them up. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, he now understands that I don’t appreciate being spoken to in this way.
We have continued to have a successful working relationship. If ever I feel he is disrespectful towards me, I speak to him about it, in private, soon after the event. Equally, if I feel I’ve disrespected him I always apologise.
Can you relate to this story?
Have you ever been on the receiving end of behaviour that challenged you and your values? What did you do?
Might you have been the person who has behaved in a way that offended others?
How does your own behaviour impact those around you?
It’s so important to remember that our behaviour has an impact on everyone around us - at home, work and play. If you’re tired or having a bad day and snap at people, think about the effect of your words or actions on their mental health.
At this time when we might be feeling more stressed than usual, mental wellness is a priority for leaders. Are you making sure that your team are well, both physically and mentally? Do they feel that they can trust you as their leader? Are you open and approachable with any concerns or problems they might have? If not, how can you offer your team more support?
Two key lessons to learn
The key message from my story is that I’ve never forgotten about it or how it made me feel. This person’s behaviour had a lasting impact on me. It’s made me more cautious around him. I’m perhaps not as open with him as I would be with others.
The second thing to note is that we were both very tired at the time. Had I not been so tired, I probably wouldn’t have felt the anger and frustration as deeply as I did. This is why self care is so crucial to being the best version of you.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here are three tips to help:
Look after yourself and make sure you get enough sleep. This is the one thing that really does help you to perform in all aspects of your life.
If you feel annoyed with how someone else has behaved, whether you’re leading them or part of their team, recognise how you are feeling, then press the ‘Pause’ button before you respond. Give yourself some space to consider your response. This works in person and with emails.
Address the situation in private and allow the other person to give their perspective (that’s if they are aware of the issue). Then express calmly how you feel about the situation and why. Apologise, as required, and agree a way forward.
You may forgive but never forget
We remember situations because of their impact on us - whether positive or negative. I believe it’s right to forgive others as this frees you from any bad feelings however, as in my situation, we may never forget how we felt about the situation.
We can all benefit from a reality check on how our behaviour impacts others, especially right now. Take ownership of your own wellbeing and consider your impact on others.
Kindness wins - always.